Artifacts
Context Draft Feedback
"Marlene, great process work on this draft! I can tell you have done a lot of research and thinking about a complex issue.
As you continue revising, there are a few things that I recommend you keep in mind. Currently, your paper scored a 55% on Turn It In and, by reading it, I can tell that you are relying on patch writing quite frequently. While it is important to use direct quotes and direct quotes from our sources can greatly improve our argument, using quotes that are too long can often take away from our own voice. I recommend taking a look at your quotes and asking yourself how you could break them up and paraphrase portions of them in your own words. For more on patch writing, watch the CP video or reach out to me via email or in office hours.
Additionally, make sure you are citing your sources correctly. Check out Purdue OWL.
Also, I worry that your topic is still too broad. Do you want to focus on African-American community fears about the healthcare system? How the healthcare system has mistreated African-American communities in the past? Or bias in the healthcare system today? While each of these items may overlap, it is important to pick one that will be your focus.
Also, make sure to include multimodality and proper MLA.
See my comments directly on the draft for more.
Great process work! Happy to talk to you more about ways to revise in office hours or over email." - Leah Senatro
This feedback was incredibly eye opening for my writing. I had always heavily relied on paraphrasing and quoting to make my arguments. I regurgitated information I read into a digestible piece for others. Seeing how my essay was basically considered plagiarism because of my overuse of quotes really made me change and start incorporating my own thoughts into my piece.
On Draft Feedback
These helped identify issues.
Advocacy Draft Feedback
"I think your essay so far is very persuasive. In your arguments, one part you mentioned consent and explained why you didn’t think that would be the best way to help African Americans regain trust in medicine. That was really good to show that you considered other points but then addressed that they weren’t the best." - Ana Quach
I appreciate this feedback since it highlights a strength in my writing that I can highlight.
"I think that the problem you've presented is very relevant and I'm glad you're talking about it. The evidence you've presented is strong. I am having a hard time figuring out what your solution is and am afraid its hard to reach/impractical though. Maybe I'm just not understanding it but definitely could be more clear then. The idea is a great start, it just needs more work." - Leslie Rangel
This is feedback that was heavily emphasized for me because my solutions and structure were really lacking. I knew I needed to work on improving my argument because of how confusing it was. I especially needed to make a viable solution out of what I wrote.
"Marlene, good progress on this draft! As your peer reviewers point out, the problem you are discussing is very relevant and important in today's current moment.
As Leslie points out, there are aspects of your solution that seem impractical. As you continue revising your solution, I encourage you to think about what exactly are the next steps to take to improve this. What is a specific, concrete thing that can be done today to improve this problem? If we are working in Af Am communities, what is the baby step we need to take to hep strengthen these community bonds? What is the intervention we want our reader to take as soon as they finish reading?
Answering these questions will hopefully help you establish the links between your problem and a feasible solution.
Additionally, having a clear next, immediate step to take, will help you organize the other potential solutions that you talk about. While it is important to note other solutions - more Black doctors, educating on racial bias - we don't want to make it seem like that is the main solution we are advocating for. We want to pick one solution, one step, that we want our readers to take immediately and try and make that obvious.
Keep up the good work for your next round of revisions!
Happy to talk to you about this in office hours." - Leah Senatro
Here my previous point was emphasized to me again. I took this advice to heart to help fix up my draft for my final project. I tried to make a clearer solution that I was advocating for and tried to incorporate steps that were possible to take for the average person in order to make a change.
Identifying Strengths
Helpful Suggestions
More Suggestions
Really helpful point made here that can help me make a meaningful change.